When you know your husband is a bum!!
by oompa loompa
Summary: her husband is a bum that is all i need to say.
1. Marrying the bum

When you know your husband is a Bum!!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Do you Mr. Miller take Usagi to be your awful wedded wife?" the minister said  
  
"I do!!!" Mr. Miller said shaking madly and his toupee bouncing up and down on his head.  
  
"Do you Usagi take Mr. Miller to be your awful wedded husband?" the minister said to Usagi.  
  
"Uh…. I guess…. Oh…what the hell…. I do!" Usagi said waving her hand and shaking her head in disgust.  
  
"Then I pronounce you husband and wife." Said the minister, "You may kiss the bride."  
  
Usagi saw Mr. Miller's face coming closer to hers. The sight was so frightening she fainted. When she woke p she was on the couch in their living room. A party was going on around her.  
  
"What happened?" she asked her new husband.  
  
"You fainted just as I was about to kiss you at the wedding." He said coming to sit down next Usagi, "So. Now that we are married call me snuggle bunny."  
  
"Oh my god!!" she yelled remembering the site of Mr. Miller's mean snuggle bunny's face coming closer to hers. Then she fainted again.  
  
~~~~~~~~*~*~*~~~~~~~~  
  
This time when she woke up she was in her bedroom. It was 7:00 in the morning, and "snuggle bunny" was on the other side of the room packing a suitcase.  
  
"Robert what…" Usagi started.  
  
" No no no! Not Robert, snuggle bunny remember." Interrupted Robert.  
  
"Ugh!" Usagi sighed, "Snuggle bunny! Why are you packing? Are you going somewhere?"  
  
"Nope!" snuggle bunny said smiling.  
  
"Then why are you packing?" Usagi asked impatiently.  
  
"We are going on our honey moon, a little earlier than planned, Usagi my love." He said.  
  
"We what??!!" Usagi screamed, "Why did I even marry you?"  
  
"Because you love me." He replied smiling.  
  
" Well where are we going to go?" she asked him getting out of bed.  
  
"A hotel in California." He smiled.  
  
"California?" she asked, "Why not Hawaii or the Bahamas. We have enough money to go don't we?"  
  
"Uh…well not anymore." He said shyly.  
  
"What do you mean not anymore?" Usagi asked  
  
"I used most of it on a new toupee and toupee gel and Rum." He said, "But we still have enough money to go to a 5 star hotel."  
  
"Toupees? Toupee gel and rum." Asked Usagi, "You spent all of our money on Toupees and gel and rum."  
  
"Uh…maybe." He whispered, "Let me go take the bags downstairs. Bye!"  
  
"Oh my God!" Usagi said in disgust.  
  
After she packed her suitcase and got dressed she went downstairs to eat.  
  
"No time to eat." Robert yelled to her from the couch, while drinking rum.  
  
"Why not?" she exclaimed, "You ate."  
  
"Well I was down stairs first." He said through gulps of rum.  
  
"I hope you know you are a drunk, lazy, and fat bum." Usagi said to Robert.  
  
"Thanks, Mrs. Usagi Miller." He said.  
  
"Fine, I will be in the car." She said dragging her suitcase out the door.  
  
An hour later Usagi got out of the car and walked back into the house.  
  
"Come on! What took you so long?" Usagi snapped at Robert, "I have been waiting for an hour."  
  
"Oh I forgot we are going on our honey moon now aren't we?" he said  
  
"Duh!!!" Usagi yelled, "So how are we getting to the hotel anyway? You said you used all of our money."  
  
"We are driving." He said belching.  
  
"Gross."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Why don't we walk?" she slapped him on the back of his head, "Get up you lazy bum!"  
  
"Why walk? Lets drive." He said starching his butt while he was sitting up.  
  
"The hotel is down the street. Hello we live in California." She yelled, "Our honeymoon is just a walk down the street."  
  
"Well we still have a 5-star hotel." Robert told Usagi.  
  
"Which hotel is it? There are 3 hotels down there. Are we going to the Ritz or the Marriott?" Usagi asked, smiling at the thought of swimming pools.  
  
"No, the Brown Box hotel." He said.  
  
"The what?" she said.  
  
"The Brown Box Hotel." He told her again, "Gosh are you deaf or something?"  
  
"That dump?" she said, "That is not a five star hotel. It is like a 0 star hotel."  
  
"Oh maybe that line in front of the 5 was a negative sig." He said looking concerned for about 3 seconds, "Oh well, we can still go."  
  
"No wonder it only cost 3 dollars per night." He said more to himself than to Usagi.  
  
"Ughhhhhh!!!" she screamed. 


	2. At the hotel

When you know your husband is a bum.  
  
1 Chapter 2  
  
At the hotel Usagi stared around at the dirty brown walls. Bugs crawled across the walls behind the counter from one hole to another.  
  
"This is great isn't it?" he said, "Yup, I have to say that this is the best honeymoon out of all of them."  
  
"What do you mean out of all of them?" Usagi said, "You said I was the only one you married."  
  
"Oh, I said that? Well, I really meant you were the best out of all of them." He muttered.  
  
"And how many were there, exactly?" she asked, pushing him onto the wall.  
  
"Um…only a few. Well maybe about 10." He said counting on his fingers, "There was Mary, Susan, Marissa, Jessica, Sarah, Sara, Serena, Rebecca, Annie, Christina, Christie, Katherine, Catherine, Mary Ann, Shelia, Corey, Mindy, Ariel, Arie, Justine, Justina, Johanna, Diane, Peggy, Erin, Susana, Janet, Edith, Mary, Chrissie, Jane, Michelle, Rachel, Rachelle, Mia, Brittany, Maya, Macy, Mary…"  
  
"Wait a second your said Mary four times." Usagi interrupted. "How many Mary's did you marry?"  
  
"Only one" he said  
  
"Well how come you said Mary four times." She asked getting mad.  
  
"I married her four times." He told her acting like these things happen all of the time.  
  
"Ughhhhhh!" she screamed, "Never mind."  
  
"What activities can you do here?" he asked the gold toothed, hillbilly, dirty desk clerk, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Well, yawl can go swimming, and lift weights. Yawl can go to the donut buffet and…"he said.  
  
"Donut buffet! Donuts!" Usagi yelled evilly, grabbing the front of the guy's shirt and lifting him 3 feet off the ground, "Were are the donuts?"  
  
"Um… down the hall and to the right." He said trying to breathe, "Could you let go of me? Yous is messing up my face."  
  
"Man, it is already messed up." She said "Bye!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So lets unpack first, Snuggle bunny." He said to Usagi.  
  
"So you actually want to do something besides watch TV and drink rum. That is amazing. I guess your not a bum you…" Usagi told Robert.  
  
"Of course I do. I just wanted you to unpack for me so I could lay on the couch and watch the game." He said, "Can you pass that beer can?"  
  
"We don't have a couch in this room. We don't even have a bathroom in here." Said Usagi, "Where are suppose to use the bathroom?"  
  
"I dunno?" he said, "Go Dallas! Cowboys rock!"  
  
"By the way Cowboys suck! And if you ever call my Snuggle Bunny again I will ring your throat. Don't try me because I will." Usagi said to Robert walking out of the room, "I going to the donut buffet. Then to the pool."  
  
"Ok, fine whatever!" he said not even looking at her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After Usagi put on her bathing suit and walked down to the dining room. There are plates and plates of donuts under a lid. When Usagi walked up to one and opened it. The plate was covered with roaches and donuts crumbs.  
  
"Eewwww!" she screamed.  
  
"Oh, well looks like the roaches got in again." Said the man who was behind the counter, while he walked by.  
  
"Oh my God! This place is terrible." Usagi said, "Well at least I can still go swimming."  
  
While she was walking to the pool she noticed that they have 5 different pools. What was the coolest was that they were all different colors.  
  
"Cool! Colored pools. How did you do it? Did you use colored die?" Usagi asked the towel boy.  
  
"Yup." He said  
  
"Cool you have all of the colors of the rainbow." She said jumping in the red one.  
  
"Wait a second!" said the towel boy.  
  
"Oh, hey your yellow pool is only yellow in the corner where that kid is swimming." She said, "I better mix it up for you."  
  
"Um…maim," he said.  
  
"What?" she said jumping in the yellow pool. She then started spinning mixing the yellow with the clear water.  
  
"Maim!" he said  
  
"Yeah!" she said swimming to the bottom.  
  
"We don't have a yellow pool." He said.  
  
"What?" Usagi said choking and swallowing some water.  
  
"We only have red, blue, green, orange, and the last one is clear because the colors scare some people. 


	3. The worst day of your life

When you know your husband is a bum!  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"You don't what?" she screamed, "You mean this isn't suppose to be yellow?"  
  
"No!" he said.  
  
She looked over at the kid in the corner. He smiled and wink then burst out laughing which eventually killed him.  
  
"Eewwww!" she yelled, "Gross! Hey, kid go find a bathroom!"  
  
"Sorry maim. Would you like a towel to wipe it off?" he said.  
  
"A towel won't help you idiot!" she screamed, "I swallowed some!"  
  
"Oh!" he said disgusted, "Oh well."  
  
"Oh well that's all you can say?" Usagi said.  
  
"Well, yeah. I am not that nice. Even smiling is too hard for me."  
  
"Ughhhhhh!" she said walking away.  
  
"Have a terrible day!" he called after her.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When she got up to the room and opened the door she noticed that there was an old lady sitting there with about thirty cats. The bad thing was she had Usagi's suitcase and was rubbing her cats with them.  
  
"Those are my clothes!" Usagi screamed.  
  
"Oh! Sorry dearie, do you want them back?" she said holding up a hairy torn blouse.  
  
"No that's ok." She said, "By the way why are you in my room?"  
  
"The man who was here moved to room 666." She smiled cheerfully, and then turned evil and said, "Now get out or I will be forced to hurt you!"  
  
"Oh my God!" Usagi screamed and ran out of the room.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So room 666 is on the 66th floor and I am on the 1st floor. Good thing they invented elevators." She said walking to the elevators. When she got there there was a sign on one that said "Out of Order". So she asked the man who worked the elevators why it wasn't working.  
  
"We had a major infestation of roaches. They just came swarming out." He said.  
  
"Ok." She answered, "That's not right."  
  
So she pushed the up button on the other elevator. It was on the 104th floor. IT came down so slow that in 3 hours it was on the 103rd floor.  
  
"Forget you." She said to the elevator.  
  
"Ok fine." Said the elevator to Usagi.  
  
"Whoa. That was freaky!" she said, "Now I have to walk up 66 flights of stairs. Just great."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After she walked 65 flights she remembered that she had left her wallet and purse by the pool. She still dripping wet with pee water, walked back down 65 flights of stairs and went back out to the pool. She also noticed that the one pool was still partially yellow and people were swimming in it.  
  
"Gross!" she said.  
  
When she went over to the bench where she saw her stuff, she walked up to it and just as she was about to pick it up the kid who peed in the pool picked it up and ran off still laughing.  
  
"Hey! Stop that kid. He stole my purse." She screamed at the people standing there. They just stared at her then at the boy, who was still running and laughing, and didn't do anything.  
  
"Thanks a lot!" she said.  
  
"Your welcome!" they all said at the same time.  
  
"That's not funny." She said.  
  
"Yes it is." Said the towel boy who just happened to be walking by.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After she had walked back up to her room on the 66th floor she noticed there was dog poop on the bottom of her shoe.  
  
"Gross!" she said scrapping it off on the rug. When she opened the door she saw Robert sitting on the coach watching a basketball game.  
  
"Why did you switch rooms?" she yelled at him.  
  
"Hey your back already." He said.  
  
"I have been gone for about 8 hours."  
  
"How was your day?"  
  
"How was my day? How was my day? I will tell you how my day was. I started out going to a donut buffet expecting to see donuts. But did I? No! I saw more roaches! Then hoping to have a nice relaxing swim in the pool. I swam in pee water. Then I swallowed it. Then walking back to my room there was a fat old lady waxing her cats with my clothes. Not your clothes my clothes, because when you moved to this room you left my stuff there. Then the elevators broke so I had to walk up 63 flights before noticing I had left my purse down by the pool. When I got there the kid who peed in the pool stole it. So I walked up here still wet with pee water and came in here to see you." She said taking deep breaths.  
  
"Oh! Sorry I wasn't listening can you say that again?" he said.  
  
"Ughhhhhh!" she yelled, "All I want is to take a hot bubble bath and wash the pee off of me."  
  
"Ok." Said Robert.  
  
"Thank you!" she said while walking to the bathroom, "I am lucky you switched to a room with a bathroom."  
  
Usagi opened the door and got the bottle of bubble bath and put it next to the bathtub. 


	4. Attack of the roaches

When you know your husband is a bum.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
When she went back in her room to get a towel and her clothes. Then she remembered that the old lady was waxing her with them.  
  
"I need to borrow some of your clothes." She told Robert.  
  
"Sure whatever." He told her without even hearing what she said.  
  
"Ok! Thanks for nothing." She sneered taking a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.  
  
"Just make sure you don't touch my stuff." He said as soon as she closed the doors, "Oh well."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Finally, I won't smell like pee anymore." She said as she was getting undressed. Then she stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain closed. As she reached for the faucet handle she heard a little rumble so she moved. She moved to the sound coming from the faucet. She moved closer and closer as the rumble got louder and louder. Finally, she was right under the faucet when roaches started to pour out of the faucet into the tub.  
  
"Aahh!" she screamed, and then she ran out of the bathroom (grabbing a towel) and still screaming she stood in front of the TV.  
  
"Hey! Move out of the way." Robert said for once being mad and concerned.  
  
"No! Why are there roaches coming out of the bathtub? Huh can you tell me that?" she screamed.  
  
"Oh. That I know. I move into this room so I could get cable and they told me this room doesn't have working plumbing. But I didn't care." He said pushing her out of the way.  
  
"What!?" was all she could say because her mouth was hanging open and she had swallowed a bug, "That's it I am leaving you."  
  
"Ok. When are you coming back?" he asked not even looking at her.  
  
"Never!" she screamed. She took he clothes and walked into the closet and changed because the bathroom was flooded. When she came out she grabbed her purse and walked out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She thought and she came back while he was sleeping. She crept into the room and saw him sleeping on the couch. She walked by and grabbed his wallet which was very light. She turned around and knocked over the box on the table. When it hit the ground money, gold coins, and toupees fell out.  
  
"Oh, that lying cheating scum bag. He did have money. He is so dead." She said putting everything back in the box and taking the box with her. She then picked him up and rolled him down the stairs.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When he woke up he was lying next to the old lady with all of the cats. She smiled at him and he screamed because she didn't have a TV and she was against alcohol.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
She ended up leaving him and selling his toupees. She made millions off of them and lived the good life.  
  
THE END 


End file.
